Posts Tagged ‘Domestic Violence’

Is your relationship abusive?

Saturday, June 13th, 2009

Abuse is about control

j0227798Before you read this blog post, please note that I have referred to the man as the abuser, not because men are always the abuser and women the abused, but only because this is more common.

The abuse usually takes the form of control which is the essence of masculine energy. In a relationship either the man or the woman can abuse  or control using their masculine energy. Men usually have more masculine energy than women.

The pattern of abuse.

There are five forms of abuse and they may occur in any order. In any order there is:

Social violence.

alone-in-cafeThe woman is completely isolated from all societal support. Friends and family are no longer available. Friendships are made difficult or forbidden. There is often social undermining, where he will tease her in public.

Economic violence.

He controls the finances. In some cases he may keep her poor by gambling, drinking or not working, or just overspending. She will often be prevented from working so that has no independent income. If she has children this is very easy for him to do. childcare is expensive and even if available working is difficult for mothers without support from their partner.

Psychological violence

This is the constant erosion of her self esteem. It is usually relentless with every opportunity being taken to try to make her feel bad about herself and as if she is lucky to have him as no-one else would have her.

Sexual violence.

CBR001209Which doesn’t necessarily mean rape, although it can be. Most of all it is the complete control of her sexuality and the sexual relationship. He decides when, how, where, if and so on.

Physical Violence

Then, when she has

  • no money, (economic abuse)
  • no energy, (sexual abuse)
  • no friends or family and (social abuse)
  • no self esteem (psychological abuse)

if she dares to show any resistance to total control, if she dares to show any small spark of independent thought, then he will hit her. And that is why she will stay.

So next time you hear of someone being beaten, man or woman.  And you are tempted to ask yourself why do they stay? Why don’t they just leave?


More about the cycle and pattern of abuse, including my own experiences in my upcoming book Laughing with Ghandi.

If you have been or think you might be in an abusive relationship and would like some help contact me

Until Next Time