Posts Tagged ‘Abuse’

Cause of Anorgasmia: Emotionally Numb

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

Emotionally Numb

numbEmotional trauma from past events can cause people to numb themselves from all feelings, both emotional and physical. This is a form of severe dissociation. Where a person becomes completely disconnected from their body and emotional feelings.

This happens when too much emotional pain from any kind of traumatic events has simply made feelings, all feelings, emotional and physical, seem unsafe. They have learnt to block out the pain and in doing so have blocked everything out too.


Abusive relationships are a common reason people become numb to their emotional and physical feelings. The abuse need not be violent or sexual. Any kind of abuse can lead to emotional problems that stop people being able to enjoy themselves. Emotional abuse can be a slow, drip feed of pain or can be a single highly traumatic event. More about abusive relationships here.

I see many clients like this who are often detached and have trouble with all relationships, intimate, family even friendships become difficult. They have so many painful emotions that any slight criticism can destroy the fragile shell they have put around themselves.

Their healing process centers on the releasing of the painful emotions. Once released the emotional trauma feelings become safe once again. They get back in touch with themselves both emotionally and physically. They now allow themselves to feel their positive and pleasant emotions again.

Living from pain

CBR001209We live in a pleasure starved culture. No pain, no gain is the modern mantra.

Some even believe that suffering and martyrdom actually buys or earns you something, that it make you a better person somehow.

We have become so focused on achieving something, an end goal. We exercise, not because it’s fun, but because we want to lose weight, or get fit, or look good. Fun and pleasure are almost taboo. Doing something, anything, just because it feels nice is almost unacceptable. Add to that the taboos and shame surrounding sex and it’s not surprising that many women and men don’t enjoy sex.

Pride in suffering

But being proud of suffering does nothing but cause more pain and suffering. Have you ever worked in a job where everyone brags about how much work they have to do? How busy they are? Have you ever found yourself trying to “up” the ante of suffering by saying something like “You think you’ve got it bad? Listen to what happened to me…”  like the Monty Python sketch where they all say “Luxury!”

Yes there will be suffering in your life, that’s part of living. But it’s not everything, it’s not the point of life and suffering is not some kind of currency that will bring you riches or health or happiness. It just brings you more suffering. When you believe this you will simply create and attract that into your life.

The whole ethos of the environment becomes “Look how much I’m suffering”

I’d like to turn this round and say no pain no pain.

happy-womanPleasure please.

I would love for everyone to live without the guilt and shame that surrounds sexual pleasure and orgasm. Your body was built for pleasure. You have a god given and divine right to enjoy it. So do it. Do it now. Do it for yourself.

If you have been in an abusive situation in the past that is still affecting you, or you have trouble connecting with your sexuality then why not contact me   0845 468 1508

Until next time


Is your relationship abusive?

Saturday, June 13th, 2009

Abuse is about control

j0227798Before you read this blog post, please note that I have referred to the man as the abuser, not because men are always the abuser and women the abused, but only because this is more common.

The abuse usually takes the form of control which is the essence of masculine energy. In a relationship either the man or the woman can abuse  or control using their masculine energy. Men usually have more masculine energy than women.

The pattern of abuse.

There are five forms of abuse and they may occur in any order. In any order there is:

Social violence.

alone-in-cafeThe woman is completely isolated from all societal support. Friends and family are no longer available. Friendships are made difficult or forbidden. There is often social undermining, where he will tease her in public.

Economic violence.

He controls the finances. In some cases he may keep her poor by gambling, drinking or not working, or just overspending. She will often be prevented from working so that has no independent income. If she has children this is very easy for him to do. childcare is expensive and even if available working is difficult for mothers without support from their partner.

Psychological violence

This is the constant erosion of her self esteem. It is usually relentless with every opportunity being taken to try to make her feel bad about herself and as if she is lucky to have him as no-one else would have her.

Sexual violence.

CBR001209Which doesn’t necessarily mean rape, although it can be. Most of all it is the complete control of her sexuality and the sexual relationship. He decides when, how, where, if and so on.

Physical Violence

Then, when she has

  • no money, (economic abuse)
  • no energy, (sexual abuse)
  • no friends or family and (social abuse)
  • no self esteem (psychological abuse)

if she dares to show any resistance to total control, if she dares to show any small spark of independent thought, then he will hit her. And that is why she will stay.

So next time you hear of someone being beaten, man or woman.  And you are tempted to ask yourself why do they stay? Why don’t they just leave?


More about the cycle and pattern of abuse, including my own experiences in my upcoming book Laughing with Ghandi.

If you have been or think you might be in an abusive relationship and would like some help contact me

Until Next Time